What is my relationship to hunger? What do I think, fear, wish, judge about hunger? What do I believe about hunger? How do I try to manipulate hunger? Write anything that comes to mind.
My relationship status with hunger is "it's complicated." It has been complicated for a long, long time, though I suppose it wasn't always that way. I think I remember just being hungry or happily full as a child, but it's a little hazy. In the years between now and then, I've starved and then filled myself to what I feared was the point of popping. I've been all over the place with my appetite, how I view it, and what I have thought is acceptable.
I think, now, that being hungry, or full, or even overfull, are all normal on the appetite spectrum, or at least, I understand that logically these feelings are on the appetite spectrum. I still have days where I wished I wasn't so hungry, and days when I ignore my empty/full cues, and either skip meals or just shove food in. I guess in a very real sense, I still fear my appetite. I feel big enough in a world that wants women to be tiny, so I am scared of getting even bigger.
So just focusing on hunger, I have good days and not so good ones. On good days, I'll be like "hey, I'm hungry. I should eat x." And then I eat, and I feel pretty good, unless I ate a lot, and then I feel sleepy. On bad days, I'm all "I shouldn't be hungry. I already ate x today. That should be enough for anyone." So maybe it isn't fear, but instead resentment. Yes, I think that's a much better word. I resent my hunger some days.
For a while, I welcomed it. I welcomed going to sleep a little hungry, and waking up feeling empty, and very hungry. If my stomach tied itself in knots between my self-prescribed meal times, I just pushed through, knowing that I was getting thinner... or at least hoping I was getting thinner. Hunger was the price I had to pay for a smaller body, for physically taking up less space in the world.
I am not sure how to work past my sometimes resentment, other than to just keep telling myself it's a biological normality.
My relationship status with hunger is "it's complicated." It has been complicated for a long, long time, though I suppose it wasn't always that way. I think I remember just being hungry or happily full as a child, but it's a little hazy. In the years between now and then, I've starved and then filled myself to what I feared was the point of popping. I've been all over the place with my appetite, how I view it, and what I have thought is acceptable.
I think, now, that being hungry, or full, or even overfull, are all normal on the appetite spectrum, or at least, I understand that logically these feelings are on the appetite spectrum. I still have days where I wished I wasn't so hungry, and days when I ignore my empty/full cues, and either skip meals or just shove food in. I guess in a very real sense, I still fear my appetite. I feel big enough in a world that wants women to be tiny, so I am scared of getting even bigger.
So just focusing on hunger, I have good days and not so good ones. On good days, I'll be like "hey, I'm hungry. I should eat x." And then I eat, and I feel pretty good, unless I ate a lot, and then I feel sleepy. On bad days, I'm all "I shouldn't be hungry. I already ate x today. That should be enough for anyone." So maybe it isn't fear, but instead resentment. Yes, I think that's a much better word. I resent my hunger some days.
For a while, I welcomed it. I welcomed going to sleep a little hungry, and waking up feeling empty, and very hungry. If my stomach tied itself in knots between my self-prescribed meal times, I just pushed through, knowing that I was getting thinner... or at least hoping I was getting thinner. Hunger was the price I had to pay for a smaller body, for physically taking up less space in the world.
I am not sure how to work past my sometimes resentment, other than to just keep telling myself it's a biological normality.
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